Caroleen’s Treasures

Our day went well with drizzles during late afternoon. I was too lazy to do the laundry and I am crossing my fingers that I could drag my feet into doing it tomorrow. After Ella and Donald left for school, I went back to sleep until Ella was back after 3 hours. One of her classmates pinched her on the left arm that left three little wounds. Donald wasn’t able to talk to the teacher and the boy who did it because she just met Ella almost halfway from the school. Even if Donald would go back to the school, the boy might have gone home. So when I asked Ella how school was and she showed me her wounds, I was totally mad. I interviewed Ella what happened and she said the teacher has put her chair close to the seat on her back so she moved in forward a little. That is when the boy infront of her got mad and pinched her thrice (with the other boy saying “Do it harder!”). She cried and she told the teacher what happened and the teacher scolded the boy. I hate to say that I am frustrated at what is happening inside the classroom even when the teacher is around. I told Ella to ask the teacher to transfer her seat beside the “good” kids but she said all of them are “bad”. :sighs:

So tomorrow Donald will talk to the teacher and the stupid boy. I am suggesting he should talk to the mother too because she should know and “hopefully” discipline her son.

I was a really really stressed with what is going on in here. Tadiday’s mother was furious that she won’t go home. Yesterday after worship, Tadiday went to their home because her mother wanted to talk to her “again”. She was insisting that Tadiday will go home so she can work in the ricefield during school days to pay off her debt. She knew I won’t let Tadiday be absent from her classes to pay her mother’s debt during school days because what we agreed is Tadiday can harvest rice during Saturdays only. In fact I should not let her work during Saturdays because it is the only time she can help us here in the house. But just to help the mother too, I agreed on that arrangement. But now she wanted her daugther to work whenever she wanted. I pity the girl because her mother said she will disown her if she won’t go home.

Early today she went to their house to get something and her mother was furious. Yelling she will throw all her clothes and burn them up if she won’t go home. Then again this evening she was called and again the issue is to go home. She didn’t said a word and left. The mother went near the house and was yelling….”Kung dili ka muuli karon, ilabay ko tanan imong mga sanina diri!!!! Pangita ug laing inahan nimo!!!” (If you won’t go home, I will throw all your clothes here!!! Look for another mother!!!) I was afraid what Donald might do because he was just holding his tongue and controlling his temper. What we wanted is for the mother to talk to us maturely because we talked to them maturely before Tadiday went to live with us.

I pity this girl because she really do not want to go home. We talked to her several times what is her decision and it won’t change. She is staying with us. Donald and I said we will support her decision because she hasn’t done anything wrong to be treated like that by her own mother. I was trying so hard not to be affected but I can’t help feel very bad about it. She wanted to finish school. She deserves it so much. If we let her go back to her mother, we know for sure her life will be back in misery. This is crazy!

Today is my mom’s death anniversary. She went home to the Lord two years ago. I woke up early thinking about all that had happened on the day she died. My sisters and Daddy was there in our hometown and are having are little get-together with the relatives and some friends. They had “lechon” (roasted pig) and I am sure they had a great time together. I still feel sad not able to go home but Ella made our day and some unexpected visitors who came made us forget for a while what we are missing there in our hometown.

I thought Ella will forget about Teddy’s birthday but I was wrong. She woke up early and started to get everything done for Teddy’s birthday. She was telling me again that we should prepare for Teddy’s 5th birthday. Tatang came here early to wait for the other the members of the church who will attend the funeral in Davao. Tatang brought one 2 liter tupperware of “langka salad” (jackfruit salad) and we cooked two pots full of rice for everyone. While we are preparing for lunch, another batch of unexpected visitors came. A van full of people and it made me so scared. I worry about the food..that it might not be enough for us all. And the plates and silverwares as well as the glasses are outnumbered by the visitors. We let the visitors ate first then we and the members were the second batch on the table. What a day! I never experienced this before…to have many visitors and was unprepared. If only we had an early notice, we might have slaughtered the chicken of the neighbors wandering in the yard

In the afternoon when all of them left for Davao, I and Ella took a nap. Then it rained so hard again! I was praying that internet will not he disconnected. Donald went to the market to get food and he complained about not getting a ride from there to here so he walked home. I was feeling so hungry so we had an early dinner. Ella was still speaking about the birthday and was happy that Daddy prepared fried chicken tonight for Teddy’s birthday. She even prayed about it, thanking God for the wonderful birthday of her favorite toy.

As I write this post I was reminiscing how my dear mom loved us and Ella so much. To me she is the best mother and if I had to choose, I will choose her over and over again. I will share to you the story of my mom which I wrote for my other blog a few days ago……

My mom was born on July 13, 1947, 5th among 11 children of Timoteo and Memia Moya. I don’t know much about the life of my mom when she was growing up…all I knew was she was the only child who pursued her college. She begged to finish it and almost cried when her father told her she can’t. Women before should stay at home when they get married so there’s no reason for my mom to go to college. Since her other older sisters didn’t either. But through her persistence, she got her degree in Elementary Education at the University of Southern Mindanao. A state University in our hometown in the province Cotabato. She got an item to one of the schools in town and after 9 years of teaching, she met my father who was a soldier by then, and they married on May 6, 1979 when she was 29 and my father was 24. A year after they were blessed with a baby girl, Crislyn and two years after I was born. We went to school where my mom taught and I was so proud then that my mom was a teacher. When I was 8, she gave birth to my youngest sister, Cherelyn.

I grew up seeing my mom working so hard at home and at school. She was so dedicated to her family and to her profession. She would patiently stay up late at night to make lesson plans and woke before the rooster do to prepare for school. She was loved by all her colleagues…always smiling, always calm, patient, soft-spoken and kind. When a student couldn’t pay miscellaneous fees, she would pay for it without second thoughts. She would bring bag of gently used clothes to her student who don’t have decent clothes to wear and she made sure that all her students have snacks and if she sees one or two who have none, she will buy them food at the canteen. She was receiving check just enough and more often short for our needs but she amazingly knew how to deal with all these financial problems.

On October 2006 we received a message that she was in the hospital for stomach pain. My family are living 3 hour-bus ride from her and this made me feel like going home to see her and be with her. She seldom gets sick, thus making me more anxious to go home. The doctor said there is nothing to worry about. He said my mom has developed a blockage on her gallbladder that needs to be removed by surgery. My mom don’t want to miss a day at school so she asked if this could wait until after the school year (that will be in March or April). The doctor assured her that this could wait until that time. Not just one doctor but 3 different doctors assured her of this as they see nothing serious on her ultrasound result.

 In November when my mom was hospitalized for the third time, my husband and I talked about it and we decided to go home…for good…we left the city and our things. For the short time we have been there, I saw how she lost appetite…she lost weight and yet she seemed alright. She still goes to school early in the morning. And even she could eat lunch on the canteen which she normally does, she will come home just to see my daughter Ella. They will bond together and snuggle infront of the tv. After an hour she will leave for her afternoon class again and Ella will patiently wait for her. In the afternoon when my mom gets home, they will continue their bonding moment as if the world will end soon. They spent a lot of times together and my mom seemed to get strength from Ella’s presence.

I can see she was in pain, but she was silent about it. many times she lay on the floor watching tv and she’d ask me or Donald to massage her head and neck. It was February when her color become yellowish again and she complains on not able to turn her neck around. Yet on these days she still goes to school not wanting to miss a single day to teach her kids. Her coteachers noticed she sleeps a lot too during lunch break…’cos this time she doesn’t go home for lunch anymore…she wanted to sleep and she can’t do it at home since she can’t resist Ella’s charm. Days passed and she was still the same mom, so patient and loving and never complaining. She was taking medicine prescribed by her physician for the pain. I was telling her to undergo CT scan but we have no money for this procedure. Since we have no insurance and the PhilHealth doesn’t cover for this, my mom chose to wait for April for her surgery. I have tried to ask for help, I talked to people to loan me $125 for CT scan and I will work odd jobs for them so I can pay…but all turned me down. Donald went to the Mayor’s office to ask for medical assistance but received only referrals. Hospitals won’t do CT scan for free but gives a big discount to poor families…so this will cost only $125 which is half the regular fee. But $125 is hard to find..my mom receives her check with almost negative amount…she has loans being paid and have to buy prescriptions. In those days I can see the suffering and all we can do is take care of our food…we live with my mom and younger sister that time and I make personalized gift items, flour candies and rice muffins to sell. This made us eat and i was able to help out with my younger sisters allowance.

In April she was having fever and the neck pain severed. I asked her to go with me the following day for a check up and she nodded silently….in pain. I massaged her. I was happy that at last she agreed to go see a doctor. She always refuses the past days because I know she worries about money. Early the following day, I went to my aunt and ask for a $50 loan but with no luck. I went home in tears not knowing where to turn to. I was very grateful when my grandfather offered $60 so I told my mom to get dressed. We have waited for almost 2 hours for the specialist, this time we went to the nearby city to seek another opinion. The doctor checked on my mom and was calm to tell us he have found a lump on my mom’s tummy and this needs to be taken care of as soon as possible. He asked me where we are planning to bring my mom, I said in Manila (the capital city of the Philippines). My grandfather is a WWII veteran and he and his children are entitled for a big discount at Philippine Veterans Hospital. The doctor said we should bring her there the same day or the following day. I was alarmed. I prodded on why it has to be that urgent, he said this is because when my mom will get fever, it is hard for her to travel.

On the way home, we are both silent….I was thinking of how will my mom get to fly to Manila in this very short notice. We only have less than 24 hours to secure money. With my grandfather’s help, she was able to get tickets. The day my mom left was the last day I have spoken to her. Donald and Ella went with the van to the airport while I was chose not to go…It would be hard for me to see her go and I don’t want to see me cry as I know this will upset her too. My grandfather who is at that time seeking medical treatment too in Manila was her companion along with another aunt of mine. My dad was on his farm in Pagadian hundreds of miles away from our hometown, my older sister Crislyn was in Davao while me and my younger sister were at home. During those days I always carry this pain of lossing my mom. I am afraid! I am not ready for it neither do my family. But from the day my mom left, I knew then that we will loose her. I just don’t know when, but I know it will come.

Everyday we talk to her on the phone, I got to tell her not to worry about us especially her little Ella. She was even more ecited than frightened to have the surgery done. But just when she arrived in the hopsital, she had fever. This hindered her surgery. Days passed by and there is no improvement..it only got worst. I called my aunt and asked her to tell me with all honesty how my mom was doing….She broke inot tears and we cried for a while never knew what to say. She confided that my mom could not be operated because she needs blood transusion which certainly cannot be possible because of high fever. So this hit me! My mom needs us! She needs her family to be there beside her. I was told by another aunt to go and be with mom…half part of me wanted to but the other refuses….I am thinking of my sisters. I know my mom loves me too but I was thinking all the time that firstborn and the youngest are the ones closer to mother’s heart. And I don’t want my sisters to regret having not seeing my mom for the last days of her life….I wanted to go but I wanted to protect my sisters from tremendous guilt of not taking care and holding my mom. So I worked on everyhting for them to fly, I called my older sister to book two tickets and asked her to secure additional money as I am short of money…I am still waiting for a loan from the money lender in my mom’s school. Both my sister’s are not ready in loosing our mom, I told them that we should expect for the worst thing to happen. That we will prepare for whatever God has planned.

The hardest part of it was convincing myself that mom will get well, that she will be healed and walk home. Everyday God has made I was talking to Him of giving us strength to accept His will. I am praying that if my mom has really a cancer, then let it be but my plea is for courage and strength. I ws happy when I hear a word that my mom has improved when my sisters arrived in the hospital. The following day, my dad too flew from Pagadian to be with her. She was finally wheeled to the operating room after blood transfusion. The surgery took only less than an hour and I was surprised. We waited for two weeks for the biopsy result and it was the longest weeks of my life. After two weeks, the waiting is finally over. I received a call from my dad telling me in his saddest voice…that my mom has cancer of the gallbladder in fourth stage. Doctors already given up but we are still hoping for a cure….Donald saw about alternative medicine on tv and we called them in the hospital. My older sister and aunt went to the clinic to consult about my mom’s condition. They bought all the prescription and let mom take it. 

Everyday we called mom, we cheered her and tell stories about Ella then she and Ella will talk over the phone for minutes about Ella’s birthday which is coming up in a few weeks. Ella excitedly announces that “Mamang Eling” will buy her cake on her birthday. I was blessed that I have loaned money from the lender to send to Manila. When I called one afternoon, my mom’s voice was deep…it is like a voice coming from a hole….I was worried sick. I asked her why she lost her voice, and she reasoned out “it’s because of the medicine I am taking…it needs to be mixed in cold water…” The last conversation we had was all about my daughter Ella…about her birthday. Oh how my mom cares about her grandaughter’s birthday! She worries about it and I assures her that I will take care of everything….that Ella will have a party and that she will be home by then to celebrate with us.

On the day of their flight home, I was very excited as much as Ella and Donald. I have prepared my mom’s bed in the living room since I was told that she needs to be taken cared of when she gets home. I sewed a nice flowered curtain of her favorite color and bought a juicer to prepare her food. I also bought 2 nice pillows and sewed sheets and pillow cases. There are also 2 dozen of glasses for her visitors…I know she will have lots of visitors to come. I was so excited to see my mom again…Donald went with the ambulance to the aiprort, a 1 and a half drive from home. I almost jumped from my seat when I heard the ambulance coming. It’s 3:00pm when mom arrived home. I stood outside the house, waiting for the rear door to open. Ella screamed excitedly “Mamang Eling!!!!!!” as she ran to meet her. When the door was opened, I almost fainted. My mom lay on the stretcher with her eyes and mouth wide open…gasping for air. In an instant I called to the Lord to please take my mom NOW. She was dying. She could not recognize people. In the dawn of their flight she had seizure.

They lifted her to the bed I made….I was trembling yet I have to be strong for Ella. I told Ella it was her Mamang Eling but she refused…she said it’s not her Mamang Eling. My mom grew her hair long and gray hairs appeared on the forehead. She was so thin and frail. I tried to hold her but I can’t. I honestly could not bear seeing her dying. At 8pm I finally gained courage…my dad said I will go and talk to her….I sat beside her and stroked her hair. I began to whisper in her ear the words I have not said….the words that I have only written in letters and cards….the words that I am meaning to say for so long yet too ashamed to utter….I whispered over and over again the words I love you….and tears rolled from her eyes. I held her hands and kissed her. I don’t know how long I sat there whispering in her ears all the words I long to say….as I was saying those words, her tears kept rolling….twice she tried to move her hands as if she’s trying to say something. Ella and Donald came to stroke her and kiss her. Ella put on some powder on her hands and said I love you’s. As the night gets deeper, I talked to her more. I said not to worry about Ella, that I and Donald will take good care of her and try to give her all her needs. As I stroke her hand I promised her one more thing, that my younger sister can get her college diploma no matter what it takes. It was the last words I spoke…..another tear rolled down her cheeks and took her last breath. My mom died with a promise that I made. I leaned to kiss her one last time and whispered “Goodbye Mamang….rest and see you in heaven…”

My dearest Mamang Eling went home to the Lord on May 23, 2006 at 11:00pm. This is the moment I have proven how much God loves us. He did not let my mom suffer long, and He gave me a chance to hold my mother one last time. My mom could have died on the way home, but she endured….God gave her strength to be able to go home alive. My mom could have given up all the way home….but she sacrificed. She endured. Because she wants to protect me from tremendous guilt of not having to say the words I long to say and of not having to bid farewell. I may not have been there with her in Manila through her ordeal….but I was beside her, holding her until her last breath. This is such a great comfort to me.

She was buried  a day before Ella’s birthday….surely she was home to celebrate with us. She was home with the Lord.

My mom’s death anniversary will be in three days. We cannot go home to visit her grave and to see Daddy and my sisters since we moved farther from there. It will cost us much for just bus and van fare from here to our hometown. That will be approximately seven hour trip. There are lots of things to take care of, the last computer payment will be due on Ella’s 5th birthday and we cannot keep up with all of these. So I decided not to go home. Although we will not be there, what matters most is we honor Mamang’s memories. I missed everything about her….but I know she is with the Lord. That comforts me so much. I don’t have a mother to buy wrinkle cream, make ups and little gifts.

Did I tell you yesterday that we are having problems getting in to our sites? I don’t know what causes this, the router or the server. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Oh, and did I tell you that last night, Ella asked to take a bath all by herself. AGAIN. She always ask that every day, to meet halfway, I let her in the bath first and do her thing. Then I (or her Daddy) will get in and do our own thing But last night, ladies and gentlemen, she won the battle. Not that I don’t want to hear her fuss, but she’s right. She is a BIG GIRL now. Well, she’s turning 5 in June and time for her to learn independence And she dresses herself too. WHERE DID THE TIME GO? I wish she will not grow too fast. I would surely miss her sweet and thoughtful self. She loves drawing us pictures and carefully wrap it with paper and ribbons she could find. Although at times I thought about making her a shirt that says : THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS OF THIS CHILD DOES NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF THE PARENTS. Kids really sometimes really says more than what they should, right?

And I forgot to tell you too that I had a wonderful dream. I dream about my mother and ’twas the first time I’ve had a dream of her after she died. In my dream, we went to a certain place to meet her and my younger sister. She was sooo happy to see us especially Ella (her only grandchild) and we are just as happy to see her too. I couldn’t explain how it really feels, but the joy is very overwhelming that I can’t almost believe it was just a dream. It was like we missed her so much and that we didn’t see each other for a long time. Surely we didn’t, she died almost two years ago but her memories still lingers in on. You can’t believe how Ella retells her memories of her Mamang Eling. She remembers things clearly and still cries when she misses her Mamang Eling (poor little girl…).

This is the thing I dreaded most. To be forgetful :-(  Is this a sign of getting old or the effect of anesthaesia of giving birth?

We are celebrating 71st Araw ng Davao (71st Foundation Day of Davao). We went to see the display of different ornamental plants in the AgroTrade Fair with Donald, Ella, my sister and brother-in-law. Although the boys didn’t seem to enjoy much as we girls did, they somehow manage to patiently go around the booths with us. I was able to get good pictures since Donald bought a new camera. I didn’t agree in buying one before. But good that he  didn’t listen to the reasons why I think we didn’t need one. Now, I could perhaps make my blog look interesting.

Each time I see beautiful flowers, it reminds me of my mother. She loved flowers so much and I grew loving flowers too. She grew euphorbias, anthuriums, vandas, dendrobiums, dancing ladies, bougainvillas, bromeliads, san franciscos and other ornamental plants. We always had fresh flowers in the living room picked from her garden. She always had fresh flowers in her desk at school too. She’d surely enjoy the fair if she was here. But I know for sure, there are a lot more beautiful flowers for her to see in heaven.

When she died, my daughter Ella asked me why did God took her grandmother. Ella seemed to clearly understand the concept of dying after I explained to her in the most simple way I can. She was just turning 3 in a week when my mother died. She knew that my mother died of cancer and she understood that she is with the Lord in heaven and that we will see each other again up there. After the funeral, my nephews who were 8 at that time, were talking about my mother. One said my mother was now under the ground and the other one said she will come back in time. Ella then blurted out “No! Mamang Eling is now in heaven and she is not coming home anymore. She is now teaching little angels up there.” I almost choked upon hearing her say that. It was so comforting to hear that. In a child’s understanding, God needed teachers to teach little angels. And perhaps somebody to tend the garden too.