Caroleen’s Treasures

“Life is uncertain but death is certain.”

That is what the preacher has said during my cousin’s funeral service. True. And tonight we heard another message to comfort the bereaved. I have been always afraid of a loved one’s death when I was a child and still has so little faith. I thought when someone dies, it is a long process of acceptance. Now I consider myself old. At 28 I have come to realize that we should not be grieving forever because we shall see each other again – when we all get to heaven. Yes we will miss our dear loved one but aren’t we happy that their sorrow and suffering has ended?

Death is certain that is why Donald and I talk about where he wanted to be buried. He wanted to be beside my mother in our hometown. I also tell him what I wanted to wear and the color of my coffin. I even joked her that I wanted my coffin to be wider so I can make a pose inside. LOL I am also collecting nice portraits that they can put on top of it and to make slide shows to be shown each night after the service. There are still more instructions that I will write for my family to follow closely and if they don’t….they know what I could do to them. LOL

When I was still in highschool, I always spend time with my classmates in the USM field. It’s an open field where baseball, softball, soccer and other sports are played. It also serves as marching ground of the cadets and cadettes of the PMT and ROTC. I have good memories of the place since I was once an officer of the PMT. During my time, the fields are packed with students doing their thing. personalized soccer balls are flying in the air while we were doing some formation of my cadettes in the other side of the field. Why I am a bit emotional now is because my cousin who was killed in an ambush a couple of weeks ago was once our cadet. He made his way to the Armed Forces of the Philippines after college. At the age of 27, he is already 1st Lieutenant and soon to be promoted as Captain. Goodbye JR! We missed you!

I am not feeling well today. I guess it’s the over-exertion from holding Eman. He is becoming more and more active and when he’s on my lap, he tries to reach for things that he finds interesting. He also have this attitude of making his head fall back when he can’t get what he wanted. Well I am the mother and he can’t get his way. I am giving him a swat on the leg and tell him it’s not good each time he does that. He’s 9 months and he’s not too young for discipline. So there you go, nip it in the bud.

So the whole morning I was feeling sick. Donald gave me a massage and he said what I needed is a joy ride. I don’t want to be called a wet blanket so I agreed. We went to Mintal taking the back road as usual. The afternoon breeze was cold and I somehow felt better. We wanted to eat so we looked around for a resto that serves Pansit Guisado and the like and so we did some kind of a little tour because we are not yet familiar with the place. While we are looking around I told Donald about the fellow blogger, Chikai, who grew up in that place. Last night I scoured her blog for the post she did many months ago when her grandma died. It has photos of their house. I was lucky to have found it last night so I told Donald about it and he was interested in finding it too. I knew the name of the street but we didn’t get around to asking people where it can be found because on our next turn I saw a house that I thought their house (I mean her parent’s house – since she is married and is based in the US now). But the house is not like what I saw in the pictures…..theirs is green and beside it is their grandma’s house. We are slowly moving and as we got near the curb, I saw a very familiar house. Read more… »

My most loved uncle went home to the Lord at 7:30am today. After a long battle with diabetes and some complications, he finally rested with his family beside him. This photo was taken last March 22 at Mergrande Resort in Davao during his son-in-law and granddaughter’s graduation. That was me in the leftmost, Papang Alfred, his wife-Mamang Ising and Cheche. I was having some issues with my heart since yesterday so I just took it lightly. I did cry but not too much because I know it is better that his suffering has ended. Hopefully tomorrow or Monday we can come to Davao to get checked then we will proceed to Kabacan for the funeral. Byebye Papang…..we will surely miss you!

Today is my mom’s 3rd death anniversary and like last year, we were not able to visit her gravesite. Looking back on the same day three years ago, I still can vividly recall what has happened and the pain is still there…..unchanged. We all wanted to be there but it won’t be practical and I know Mamang understands. Anyway, we visited her gravesite last month during my grandfather’s wake. Going back home will be difficult for us with our tight budget and with a very fussy little man. If only we have enough money to get us by until next month (that is after enrollment and Ella’s birthday), we could have gone home to be with my family and relatives. Also, we need to bring Eman to his pedia. It’s been two days now that Eman has some severe gas issues, or so I thought. We’ve been doing the tricks that I found on the internet but it doesn’t helped as much as it did. I could get him to sleep after helping him pass gas before but yesterday was different. He cries, wanting to be held upright always and he pooped 6 times which is unusual since he now have regular bowel movement which is once or twice a day.

Since Philippines celebrates death anniversaries, I bought half watermelon (can’t afford the whole because it weighs more than 7 kilos) and half kilo chicken. We have a pack of barbeque mix that’s sitting in the cabinet for so long so for dinner we had CHICKEN BARBEQUE (PORK FLAVOR). I am so dumb buying chicken when what we have is pork barbeque mix. But in fairness it tasted sooooo good! And the watermelon that I am dreaming about is sooooo sweet. We set aside the seeds so we could plant it in the yard. Twenty-five pesos a kilo is very expensive so we will be planting our own watermelon. Read more… »

Gee, I thought we will spend the rest of the night in darkness. Glad the power was back at 10:30pm after an hour interruption. I am working on the two other rooms in the house for several days now. They needed some organizing. Started both at the same time and I am hopping from one to another and until now neither of it was finished. I had no idea how come it always needs some work when no one uses them. Some of our stuffs are in the middle room and Ella’s toys are in the third room and it seems I am cleaning and organizing it every other month! We even never allowed Ella to go in there to play these past months to avoid a big mess but even so it still looks like it was ran over by a tornado. I can’t work straight because I am breastfeeding Eman from time to time but I am trying to get this done before Ella’s birthday.

Last Saturday, a relative of the church members died of old age so we went to their place this afternoon. There weren’t much people there and the church where the old woman was attending isn’t doing a service. I do not know why. Since the funeral will be tomorrow, Donald arranged a schedule of service with the family and he came back there tonight with other members of the church while Ella, Eman and I stayed at home. I am not going there at night time because it is very far from here and there was no other ride than a motorbike.
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Tatang went home to the Lord this noon. I still don’t have all the details yet but am certain that we will miss him. Goodbye Tatang….’til we meet again.

I was wondering the other day why I was rushing to get all the cloth diapers done like I was preparing for something that I am not certain of. The baby won’t show up until April yet I felt the need to finish the sewing project. Donald and I stayed up until 2am yesterday and I was awakened by a call at quarter past 5. Since I just have dozed off, I am in a not-so-normal state of mind while I was trying to reach for the cellphone on the table. It was my SIL’s number and I knew right then what was it. My FIL went home to the Lord at the age of 59.

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I woke up hearing the monotonous sound of the raindrops. I heard the alarm went off earlier and was still very sleepy to wake up Donald. It’s the first day of the week and Ella is suppose to be at school. I feel guilty sending her off the school in such weather and yet I feel even more guilty of letting her miss another day at school. When Donald told me that the teacher sent a text message earlier informing us that there would be no class until Wednesday because her MIL died, I felt better. Not because of the MIL’s death but because Ella could spend three days at home. It’s been raining endlessly and the neighbor’s are now flooded. Glad that we have higher grounds here because I do not know what to do with floodwater coming inside the house. Read more… »

Today is my mom’s death anniversary. She went home to the Lord two years ago. I woke up early thinking about all that had happened on the day she died. My sisters and Daddy was there in our hometown and are having  little get-together with the relatives and some friends. They had “lechon” (roasted pig) and I am sure they had a great time together. I still feel sad not able to go home but Ella made our day and some unexpected visitors who came made us forget for a while what we are missing there in our hometown.

I thought Ella will forget about Teddy’s birthday but I was wrong. She woke up early and started to get everything done for Teddy’s birthday. She was telling me again that we should prepare for Teddy’s 5th birthday. Tatang came here early to wait for the other the members of the church who will attend the funeral in Davao. Tatang brought one 2-liter Tupperware of “langka salad” (jackfruit salad) and we cooked two pots full of rice for everyone. While we are preparing for lunch, another batch of unexpected visitors came. A van full of people and it made me so scared. I worry about the food..that it might not be enough for us all. And the plates and silver wares as well as the glasses are outnumbered by the visitors. We let the visitors ate first then we and the members were the second batch on the table. What a day! I never experienced this before…to have many visitors and was unprepared. If only we had an early notice, we might have slaughtered the chicken of the neighbors wandering in the yard

In the afternoon when all of them left for Davao, I and Ella took a nap. Then it rained so hard again! I was praying that internet will not get disconnected. Donald went to the market to get food and he complained about not getting a ride from there so he walked home.  We had an early dinner because I was starving. Ella was still speaking about the birthday and was happy that Daddy prepared fried chicken tonight for Teddy’s birthday. She even prayed about it, thanking God for the wonderful birthday of her favorite toy.

As I write this post I was reminiscing how my dear mom loved us and Ella so much. To me she is the best mother and if I had to choose, I will choose her over and over again. I will share to you the story of my mom which I wrote for my other blog a few days ago……

My mom was born on July 13, 1947, 5th among 11 children of Timoteo and Memia Moya. I don’t know much about the life of my mom when she was growing up…all I knew was she was the only child who pursued her college. She begged to finish it and almost cried when her father told her she can’t. Women before should stay at home when they get married so there’s no reason for my mom to go to college. Since her other older sisters didn’t either. But through her persistence, she got her degree in Elementary Education at the University of Southern Mindanao. A state University in our hometown in the province Cotabato. She got an item to one of the schools in town and after 9 years of teaching, she met my father who was a soldier by then, and they married on May 6, 1979 when she was 29 and my father was 24. A year after they were blessed with a baby girl, Crislyn and two years after I was born. We went to school where my mom taught and I was so proud then that my mom was a teacher. When I was 8, she gave birth to my youngest sister, Cherelyn.

I grew up seeing my mom working so hard at home and at school. She was so dedicated to her family and to her profession. She would patiently stay up late at night to make lesson plans and woke before the rooster do to prepare for school. She was loved by all her colleagues…always smiling, always calm, patient, soft-spoken and kind. When a student couldn’t pay miscellaneous fees, she would pay for it without second thoughts. She would bring bag of gently used clothes to her student who don’t have decent clothes to wear and she made sure that all her students have snacks and if she sees one or two who have none, she will buy them food at the canteen. She was receiving check just enough and more often short for our needs but she amazingly knew how to deal with all these financial problems.

On October 2006 we received a message that she was in the hospital for stomach pain. My family are living 3 hour-bus ride from her and this made me feel like going home to see her and be with her. She seldom gets sick, thus making me more anxious to go home. The doctor said there is nothing to worry about. He said my mom has developed a blockage on her gallbladder that needs to be removed by surgery. My mom don’t want to miss a day at school so she asked if this could wait until after the school year (that will be in March or April). The doctor assured her that this could wait until that time. Not just one doctor but 3 different doctors assured her of this as they see nothing serious on her ultrasound result.

In November when my mom was hospitalized for the third time, my husband and I talked about it and we decided to go home…for good…we left the city and our things. For the short time we have been there, I saw how she lost appetite…she lost weight and yet she seemed alright. She still goes to school early in the morning. And even she could eat lunch on the canteen which she normally does, she will come home just to see my daughter Ella. They will bond together and snuggle infront of the tv. After an hour she will leave for her afternoon class again and Ella will patiently wait for her. In the afternoon when my mom gets home, they will continue their bonding moment as if the world will end soon. They spent a lot of times together and my mom seemed to get strength from Ella’s presence.

I can see she was in pain, but she was silent about it. many times she lay on the floor watching tv and she’d ask me or Donald to massage her head and neck. It was February when her color become yellowish again and she complains on not able to turn her neck around. Yet on these days she still goes to school not wanting to miss a single day to teach her kids. Her coteachers noticed she sleeps a lot too during lunch break…’cos this time she doesn’t go home for lunch anymore…she wanted to sleep and she can’t do it at home since she can’t resist Ella’s charm. Days passed and she was still the same mom, so patient and loving and never complaining. She was taking medicine prescribed by her physician for the pain. I was telling her to undergo CT scan but we have no money for this procedure. Since we have no insurance and the PhilHealth doesn’t cover for this, my mom chose to wait for April for her surgery. I have tried to ask for help, I talked to people to loan me $125 for CT scan and I will work odd jobs for them so I can pay…but all turned me down. Donald went to the Mayor’s office to ask for medical assistance but received only referrals. Hospitals won’t do CT scan for free but gives a big discount to poor families…so this will cost only $125 which is half the regular fee. But $125 is hard to find..my mom receives her check with almost negative amount…she has loans being paid and have to buy prescriptions. In those days I can see the suffering and all we can do is take care of our food…we live with my mom and younger sister that time and I make personalized gift items, flour candies and rice muffins to sell. This made us eat and i was able to help out with my younger sisters allowance.

In April she was having fever and the neck pain severed. I asked her to go with me the following day for a check up and she nodded silently….in pain. I massaged her. I was happy that at last she agreed to go see a doctor. She always refuses the past days because I know she worries about money. Early the following day, I went to my aunt and ask for a $50 loan but with no luck. I went home in tears not knowing where to turn to. I was very grateful when my grandfather offered $60 so I told my mom to get dressed. We have waited for almost 2 hours for the specialist, this time we went to the nearby city to seek another opinion. The doctor checked on my mom and was calm to tell us he have found a lump on my mom’s tummy and this needs to be taken care of as soon as possible. He asked me where we are planning to bring my mom, I said in Manila (the capital city of the Philippines). My grandfather is a WWII veteran and he and his children are entitled for a big discount at Philippine Veterans Hospital. The doctor said we should bring her there the same day or the following day. I was alarmed. I prodded on why it has to be that urgent, he said this is because when my mom will get fever, it is hard for her to travel.

On the way home, we are both silent….I was thinking of how will my mom get to fly to Manila in this very short notice. We only have less than 24 hours to secure money. With my grandfather’s help, she was able to get tickets. The day my mom left was the last day I have spoken to her. Donald and Ella went with the van to the airport while I was chose not to go…It would be hard for me to see her go and I don’t want to see me cry as I know this will upset her too. My grandfather who is at that time seeking medical treatment too in Manila was her companion along with another aunt of mine. My dad was on his farm in Pagadian hundreds of miles away from our hometown, my older sister Crislyn was in Davao while me and my younger sister were at home. During those days I always carry this pain of lossing my mom. I am afraid! I am not ready for it neither do my family. But from the day my mom left, I knew then that we will loose her. I just don’t know when, but I know it will come.

Everyday we talk to her on the phone, I got to tell her not to worry about us especially her little Ella. She was even more excited than frightened to have the surgery done. But just when she arrived in the hospital, she had fever. This hindered her surgery. Days passed by and there is no improvement..it only got worst. I called my aunt and asked her to tell me with all honesty how my mom was doing….She broke into tears and we cried for a while never knew what to say. She confided that my mom could not be operated because she needs blood transfusion which certainly cannot be possible because of high fever. So this hit me! My mom needs us! She needs her family to be there beside her. I was told by another aunt to go and be with mom…half part of me wanted to but the other refuses….I am thinking of my sisters. I know my mom loves me too but I was thinking all the time that firstborn and the youngest are the ones closer to mother’s heart. And I don’t want my sisters to regret having not seeing my mom for the last days of her life….I wanted to go but I wanted to protect my sisters from tremendous guilt of not taking care and holding my mom. So I worked on everything for them to fly, I called my older sister to book two tickets and asked her to secure additional money as I am short of money…I am still waiting for a loan from the money lender in my mom’s school. Both my sister’s are not ready in loosing our mom, I told them that we should expect for the worst thing to happen. That we will prepare for whatever God has planned.

The hardest part of it was convincing myself that mom will get well, that she will be healed and walk home. Everyday God has made I was talking to Him of giving us strength to accept His will. I am praying that if my mom has really a cancer, then let it be but my plea is for courage and strength. I was happy when I hear a word that my mom has improved when my sisters arrived in the hospital. The following day, my dad too flew from Pagadian to be with her. She was finally wheeled to the operating room after blood transfusion. The surgery took only less than an hour and I was surprised. We waited for two weeks for the biopsy result and it was the longest weeks of my life. After two weeks, the waiting is finally over. I received a call from my dad telling me in his saddest voice…that my mom has cancer of the gallbladder in fourth stage. Doctors already gave up but we are still hoping for a cure….Donald saw about alternative medicine on tv and we called them in the hospital. My older sister and aunt went to the clinic to consult about my mom’s condition. They bought all the prescription and let mom take it.

Everyday we called mom, we cheered her and tell stories about Ella then she and Ella will talk over the phone for minutes about Ella’s birthday which is coming up in a few weeks. Ella excitedly announces that “Mamang Eling” will buy her cake on her birthday. I was blessed that I have loaned money from the lender to send to Manila. When I called one afternoon, my mom’s voice was deep…it is like a voice coming from a hole….I was worried sick. I asked her why she lost her voice, and she reasoned out “it’s because of the medicine I am taking…it needs to be mixed in cold water…” The last conversation we had was all about my daughter Ella…about her birthday. Oh how my mom cares about her grandaughter’s birthday! She worries about it and I assures her that I will take care of everything….that Ella will have a party and that she will be home by then to celebrate with us.

On the day of their flight home, I was very excited as much as Ella and Donald. I have prepared my mom’s bed in the living room since I was told that she needs to be taken cared of when she gets home. I sewed a nice flowered curtain of her favorite color and bought a juicer to prepare her food. I also bought 2 nice pillows and sewed sheets and pillow cases. There are also 2 dozen of glasses for her visitors…I know she will have lots of visitors to come. I was so excited to see my mom again…Donald went with the ambulance to the aiprort, a 1 and a half drive from home. I almost jumped from my seat when I heard the ambulance coming. It’s 3:00pm when mom arrived home. I stood outside the house, waiting for the rear door to open. Ella screamed excitedly “Mamang Eling!!!!!!” as she ran to meet her. When the door was opened, I almost fainted. My mom lay on the stretcher with her eyes and mouth wide open…gasping for air. In an instant I called to the Lord to please take my mom NOW. She was dying. She could not recognize people. In the dawn of their flight she had seizure.

They lifted her to the bed I made….I was trembling yet I have to be strong for Ella. I told Ella it was her Mamang Eling but she refused…she said it’s not her Mamang Eling. My mom grew her hair long and gray hairs appeared on the forehead. She was so thin and frail. I tried to hold her but I can’t. I honestly could not bear seeing her dying. At 8pm I finally gained courage…my dad said I will go and talk to her….I sat beside her and stroked her hair. I began to whisper in her ear the words I have not said….the words that I have only written in letters and cards….the words that I am meaning to say for so long yet too ashamed to utter….I whispered over and over again the words I love you….and tears rolled from her eyes. I held her hands and kissed her. I don’t know how long I sat there whispering in her ears all the words I long to say….as I was saying those words, her tears kept rolling….twice she tried to move her hands as if she’s trying to say something. Ella and Donald came to stroke her and kiss her. Ella put on some powder on her hands and said I love you’s. As the night gets deeper, I talked to her more. I said not to worry about Ella, that I and Donald will take good care of her and try to give her all her needs. As I stroke her hand I promised her one more thing, that my younger sister can get her college diploma no matter what it takes. It was the last words I spoke…..another tear rolled down her cheeks and took her last breath. My mom died with a promise that I made. I leaned to kiss her one last time and whispered “Goodbye Mamang….rest and see you in heaven…”

My dearest Mamang Eling went home to the Lord on May 23, 2006 at 11:00pm. This is the moment I have proven how much God loves us. He did not let my mom suffer long, and He gave me a chance to hold my mother one last time. My mom could have died on the way home, but she endured….God gave her strength to be able to go home alive. My mom could have given up all the way home….but she sacrificed. She endured. Because she wants to protect me from tremendous guilt of not having to say the words I long to say and of not having to bid farewell. I may not have been there with her in Manila through her ordeal….but I was beside her, holding her until her last breath. This is such a great comfort to me.

She was buried  a day before Ella’s birthday….surely she was home to celebrate with us. She was home with the Lord.